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My Experience of Grief 2

Everyone’s journey with grief is unique.
This is mine.
Stuart, my brother, died last month.

Someone asked me if my grief is “harder” because I lead End of Life classes.
Another asked if one can ever prepare for Death.

Yes, it’s hard, but I have tools. The most important is my mindfulness practice.
I am grateful that I have an established practice because during a trauma it may be more difficult to learn.

Emotions still happen, often intense, and I cry.
But I am learning to roll with them as they pass.
Or as Dorie in “Finding Nemo” said, “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”.

Sometimes doing anything is difficult. I just want to stare into space. Or cry, or be frustrated, or angry.
I am frequently irritable. But that seems to be passing with time, too.

At first, simple little things made me so very sad.
Remembering things that we did together.
Even just memories of Skype calls.

There always has been joy.
The days that I spent with my family after Stuart’s death were filled with stories that brought joy, laughter, and lots of love. Those were valuable experiences that I will always cherish.

I vacillated for a while between no appetite and being very sensitive to food cravings.
Why can’t I lose the weight from my belly instead of my face?
As I am having a better appetite, I’m experiencing emotional eating.
Today, I ate a carrot instead of crackers….
Mindfulness saving me from filling up before dinner.

A state of gratitude is prevalent. I believe that my daily practices of gratitude help keep “gratitude” in the forefront. And that brings joy.

Thank goodness I have compassionate friends and family, and I can afford good self-care – like a massage and retail therapy!
As the constant mind chatter simply goes on and on…
I just get to let it all Be and keep swimming, swimming, swimming!
And know that I will be okay.

a

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